Humor
“In the beginning God Created BROCOLLI”
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created Quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Three Wishes Granted
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more, or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to?"
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I would like a very mild heart attack."
Give a man a Fish....
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)
With the new Do Not Call Legislation, I thought this bit of humor might be appropriate.
Top 10 Things to Say to Those Pesky Telemarketers
10. What's it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"
9. Phone flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"
8. Ever hear of women's lib?
My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."
7. How long do you have?
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."
6. Have you planned for the future?
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.
5. You have reached my voicemail
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."
4. I do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.
3. Speak to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!
2. Have I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.
1. Its good enough for Cuba
I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."
More Information on the National Do Not Call List.
This page was last reviewed November 13, 2004